I am infiniti

I am opinionated, this is a fact that I openly admit today. However, there was a time when I couldn’t. I thought it to be wrong, selfish and worst of all, I thought it was necessary to fit in! I agreed, I nodded at the right times, I gave in because it quite simply avoided conflict. But over time (and I am glad that it was a short period) I realized I hate it. All it did was keep me cocooned and safe, but there wasn’t any life.

This lack of life, rather lack of me took me onto a path of self-immolation. There was no me, just parts of me that were scathed, burnt, chaffed and scabbed with the many versions of what I thought others wanted to see. This meant that there was a best friend me, putting up with all the underhanded BS that was labeled just for fun, there was the good student me who studied what she was expected to rather than what she wanted to, there was the daughter me who yes mumed and yes daded till kingdom come. There was the metal chick me, who head-banged to every death double base beat that ever was. There was also the girlfriend me who agreed and adjusted till it hurt. What does it really get me? A big fat nothing!

People who are at the happy end of this adjustment, the people who receive, who are adjusted for don’t know that it is being done. There is no blaming them; it was I who wanted to fit in. This is just a fair warning to all those who chose to be like someone else, please someone else and fit in. Pretense just works for so long before it begins to hurt. Today I speak freely, dress in my own hobo way, I pair floaters with formals and add ketchup to everything. I do this because of only one very simple reason, I want to.

This I want to bit has its own cons though. No one can be blamed for who I am, no one to take the fall for the stupid decision made, no one to imitate without a conscious thought, life is back on full manual, no more auto focus, no more pre-destined arrangements. But then I am okay with it, at least, it is my life.